Look for patterns that suggest control behaviors increase during times of uncertainty, significant change, or situations with unpredictable outcomes. Questions like “Does their need to supervise meal preparation intensify when they’re stressed about other things?” can reveal connections between control attempts and anxiety management.
Address underlying concerns proactively rather than just responding to the control behavior itself. Statements like “I’ve double-checked the reservation” or “We’ll have plenty of time to make the flight” target the worry beneath the control rather than just the behavioral manifestation.
Offer clear information, schedules, or updates where possible without being asked. For example, “Just so you know, we should arrive around 6:30, and I’ve already confirmed they can accommodate our dietary needs.” This proactive information often reduces the need for control-seeking behaviors by addressing the underlying desire for certainty.
These techniques work because they address the root cause rather than just the symptomatic behavior. For many people, control-seeking doesn’t stem from a desire to dominate but rather represents an attempt to manage anxiety about potential negative outcomes. By recognizing this connection and addressing the underlying need for security, you create opportunities for more flexible interaction patterns.
Remember Boundaries
While understanding motivations is valuable, it doesn’t mean accepting genuinely harmful controlling behaviors. The goal is finding compassionate approaches to interaction, not excusing inappropriate control of others.
See also: Understanding the Drive For: Control Response and Tip: Offering Choices Within Structure
