Setting Communication Expectations

Misunderstandings often arise when participants in a conversation have different unspoken expectations about its purpose (e.g., needing to vent vs. wanting solutions, a common issue with Fixer Mode or Advice Avalanche). This page offers techniques for proactively setting clear communication expectations to foster more satisfying interactions.

Practical Techniques

Technique 1: State Your Goal at the Outset

Begin important conversations by clearly articulating your desired outcome:

“I’d like to brainstorm some ideas about X, could you help me think through options?” (Signals need for problem-solving)
“I need to process something that happened today. Can I just talk it through with you?” (Signals need for listening)
“I have a decision to make and would value your perspective.” (Signals need for advice/input)
“I want to share some good news!” (Signals need for celebration/positive reception)

Clearly stating your goal guides the listener on how to participate effectively.

Technique 2: Define the Type of Feedback You Need

Be specific about the kind of response that would be most helpful:

“Right now, I’m just looking for empathy, not solutions.”
“I’m open to suggestions, but mainly I need to know if my plan sounds reasonable.”
“Could you help me identify potential blind spots in my thinking here?”
“I’m not asking for you to agree, just to understand where I’m coming from.”

Specificity prevents the listener from guessing (and potentially guessing wrong) about your needs.

Technique 3: Check for Shared Understanding Periodically

Confirm alignment during the conversation:

“Is this making sense?”
“Are we on the same page about what we’re trying to achieve in this conversation?”
“Before we move on, let’s just recap the main points…”

Checking in ensures the conversation stays on track with the initial expectations.

Why These Approaches Work

These techniques work because they:

Make implicit assumptions explicit, reducing guesswork.
Prevent common communication mismatches (e.g., offering solutions when listening is needed).
Empower the speaker to guide the conversation toward their desired outcome.
Create clarity and reduce frustration for all participants.

Be Prepared to Negotiate

Sometimes the listener may have their own needs or limitations. Be open to adjusting expectations collaboratively (“Okay, I hear you need to vent first. Can we set aside time for problem-solving afterward?”).

Additional Considerations

Use these techniques proactively, especially for conversations you anticipate might be difficult.
Model clear communication by asking others about their expectations when they initiate conversations.
Setting expectations is particularly helpful when communication styles differ significantly.
This applies to written communication too (e.g., stating the purpose of an email upfront).

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